Video: My Experience Finding a New Therapist

Step One: Outgrowing a Therapist You Love

Let’s start with this: I loved my last therapist. They saw me through some of the hardest seasons of my life, held space for me in ways I didn’t even realize I needed, and called me out (gently but effectively) when I tried to sidestep my own healing.

But just like friendships, jobs, and haircuts that seemed like a good idea at the time, sometimes we outgrow even the best therapeutic relationships. It wasn’t that they suddenly became a bad therapist or that our work together stopped being meaningful—I had simply changed. The things I needed from therapy now weren’t the same things I needed a few years ago.

And so, with a mix of gratitude and dread (because who wants to start this process over?), I knew it was time to find someone new.

Step Two: The Search Begins

Okay, so I need a therapist. No big deal, I’ll just hop onto my insurance portal and—oh, wait. Half the names listed haven’t updated their availability since 2018, and the other half have bios that say things like, “I offer a safe space to explore your feelings.” Amazing. But will you actually call me out when I start performing self-awareness instead of feeling my feelings?

Therapist directories are a wild place when you’re a therapist yourself. Do I want someone with my exact background, or do I need a completely different approach? Will they let me analyze them or redirect me back to myself? Do I risk the awkwardness of seeing a therapist who knows my colleagues? The questions are endless.

And then there’s the other challenge: finding someone who isn’t lowkey panicked about seeing a fellow clinician. I can always tell when a therapist is nervous that I’ll be silently critiquing them or that they need to prove themselves to me. I get it—but I also don’t have the emotional energy to reassure them that, yes, I just want to be a person in therapy. I need someone who is confident in their expertise, secure enough to challenge me, and not tiptoeing around as if I’m taking mental notes for a Yelp review.

Step Three: The First Session (AKA the Vibe Check)

After a ridiculous amount of overthinking, I book a session. I remind myself not to judge too quickly—but let’s be honest, the vibe check happens immediately.

Within the first five minutes, I can usually tell whether this is going to work or if I’ll be politely ghosting them via the “I don’t think it’s a good fit” email.

Green flags? A therapist who:
✔️ Sees through my intellectualization and calls me on it.
✔️ Gets that “just do less” is not helpful for a recovering overachiever.
✔️ Understands the therapist struggle of knowing all the tools but struggling to apply them.

Red flags? A therapist who:
🚩 Nods blankly while I joke about burnout, as if I’m not deeply unwell.
🚩 Says “just set a boundary” with no follow-up.
🚩 Seems uncomfortable when I bring up systemic stressors (capitalism, anyone?).

Step Four: The Breakup (If Necessary)

Sometimes, despite all the effort, it’s just not a match. Maybe they’re too passive, maybe they interrupt too much, maybe they make me too aware of my own avoidance tactics. Whatever the reason, breaking up with a therapist is awkward, even when you are a therapist.

(If you need help navigating that, I wrote a whole blog post about it—Breaking Up with Your Therapist).

Step Five: The Right Fit

But when I do find the right therapist? It’s magic. I walk away from sessions feeling seen, challenged, and a little annoyed that they were right about everything. They help me sit with discomfort instead of strategizing my way out of it. They remind me that I deserve care, even when I don’t feel like I’ve “earned” it.

And isn’t that exactly what I want for my own clients?

Final Thoughts
If you’re a therapist, caregiver, or high-achieving perfectionist trying to find your therapist, I see you. It’s weird. It’s hard. But it’s worth it.

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