“I should be grateful” and other bullshit I hear in my therapy sessions during November

Feeling like you 'should be grateful' but still struggling with difficult emotions? This November, let’s break down why forced gratitude can be harmful and how to embrace a more balanced approach to thankfulness. Discover why you don’t have to silence your struggles to feel grateful and learn healthy ways to make space for all your feelings.

As November rolls around and we’re surrounded by messages of gratitude, I start to hear familiar phrases in therapy sessions: “I should be grateful,” “I shouldn’t feel this way,” and other variations of self-dismissal that subtly encourage clients to ignore their struggles. And to be honest, it’s such bullshit. Society’s push toward gratitude can be uplifting, yes, but for many people, it can also feel invalidating. This is especially true if it leads to suppressing real, complex feelings. Let’s explore why statements like “I should be grateful” can be problematic and how we can explore redefining gratitude in a healthier, more authentic way.

The “I Should Be Grateful” Trap

Many clients begin sessions with a deep sigh, saying, “I know I should be grateful; I have it so much better than others.” For high-achieving people especially, this thought might initially sound positive—an effort to avoid entitlement and acknowledge privileges. But in reality, it can have the opposite effect: fostering guilt, diminishing self-worth, and intensifying feelings of isolation.

When someone’s entire experience is reduced to, “I should just be thankful,” it tends to invalidate any pain they’re feeling. If we can’t fully express our emotions, those feelings get buried, only to reappear in other ways, like resentment or burnout. Instead of finding peace in gratitude, we get trapped in a loop of shame, feeling like we’re failing simply for feeling how we feel. Instead, what would happen if we allowed BOTH parts to be true? What if we acknowledged, for example, that our parents were excellent physical and financial providers but did not provide enough nurturing and emotional support? Acknowledging all parts of our experience allows us to validate our experiences without shame.

When Gratitude Becomes a Form of Toxic Positivity

Gratitude is powerful, but it’s not meant to be a weapon we use against ourselves. I often see clients who view gratitude as an obligation, something they “should” do rather than something they truly feel. This creates a form of “toxic positivity,” where only the “good” emotions are allowed, and anything negative is dismissed as unnecessary or, worse, a failure. You see this frequently on the internet with “positive thoughts only” language that, while well-intentioned, falls short of the true nuances of gratitude.

When gratitude feels forced, it can build resentment because it doesn’t align with our current emotional reality. Real gratitude is expansive and can coexist with a full range of emotions—happiness, sadness, anger, frustration. It doesn’t ask us to choose only one way of feeling but allows us to recognize what we have and what we need. If we skip over the difficult parts to simply “be grateful,” we lose out on valuable self-reflection that can ease depression, anxiety, and burnout.

“Other People Have It Worse” – The Comparison Trap

A common companion to “I should be grateful” is “Other people have it worse than I do.” This perspective is everywhere, especially in times of social or economic difficulty. People think that by focusing on what others lack, they’ll feel better about their situation. But more often than not, this approach backfires. Instead of relieving guilt, it creates it.

We often compare ourselves to others who are struggling, assuming that our pain is somehow “less” because someone else might be dealing with “more.” But pain and suffering aren’t a contest; it doesn’t need a hierarchy. Comparison only takes us further away from genuine gratitude and closer to self-judgment. As a result, we get even more entangled in our problems, feeling unworthy of the help we need to feel better.

Redefining Gratitude: How to Feel Grateful and Authentically You

Gratitude shouldn’t feel like an obligation. If you find yourself saying, “I should be grateful,” consider exploring why you feel that way. Are you trying to avoid something? Or is it difficult to permit yourself to feel unhappy, frustrated, or upset? Real gratitude makes space for the full range of your experiences and doesn’t try to silence what feels hard or painful. Plus, any long-time blog readers know that shoulds are always red flags.

Here are a few ways to bring gratitude into your life without it becoming dismissive of your true feelings:

1. Allow Gratitude to Be a “Both/And” Practice

   - You can be grateful and still acknowledge your challenges. For example, “I am grateful for my job, and I’m also struggling with the pressure I feel at work.” Let gratitude be a part of your experience, not a tool to erase what you’re going through.

2. Find Small Moments of Peace, Not Forced Positivity

   - Instead of focusing on what you “should” be thankful for, look for moments of peace or beauty in your day. It might be as simple as enjoying your morning coffee or hearing your favorite song on the radio. On my hardest days, I ask myself, “What sucked less today?” when gratitude feels too far from my experience. This helps shift gratitude into a gentle awareness rather than a standard to meet

3. Separate Gratefulness from Guilt

   - If gratitude brings up feelings of guilt or shame, remember that it’s not a “fix” for negative emotions. Gratitude is about appreciation, not erasing what feels hard. Give yourself permission to feel joy and pain simultaneously. You can’t have one without the other anyway, so you may as well embrace both.

4. Create Your Own Gratitude Ritual, Your Way

   - Some people find journaling helpful, but if it feels forced, try other ways to express gratitude: through mindful breathing, quiet reflection, or simply acknowledging moments of goodness out loud. Let gratitude fit into your life in a way that feels natural, not like a requirement.

TLDR: Giving Yourself Permission to Feel Fully

At the heart of it, gratitude is meant to enrich your life, not restrict it. It’s there to offer comfort, not to pressure you into silencing your struggles. So, this November, when you find yourself saying, “I should be grateful,” take a moment. Check-in with yourself and ask, “What else am I feeling?” Maybe you’ll find that your gratitude deepens when it can exist alongside all your other emotions.

Feeling thankful doesn’t mean feeling good all the time. And if gratitude feels more like a burden than a joy, give yourself permission to ease up. We’re all human, and no amount of thankfulness can erase life’s inevitable struggles.