Dear Patriarchy, Fuck You: How Domestic Violence and the Patriarchy Impact Women in Helping Professions
Women in helping professions—such as therapists, nurses, social workers, teachers, and caregivers—are often applauded for their compassion, emotional resilience, and selflessness. These “softer” and female-dominated professions are typically centered around caring for others, providing emotional labor, and nurturing growth. But, what is often overlooked is the profound impact of the f’ing patriarchy, in both the personal and professional areas, in making these women more susceptible to domestic violence.
The intersection of systemic oppression, power imbalances, and gender-based violence can profoundly affect their mental health, professional efficacy, and overall ability to challenge the abuse. This blog seeks to unmask the connection between domestic violence, patriarchy, and the lives of women in helping professions and explore how these forces converge to create unique challenges for women who dedicate their lives to serving others.
Understanding Domestic Violence and Its Impact on Women
Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence (IPV), is a pervasive form of abuse that affects individuals across all demographics, but women are disproportionately affected. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 1 in 4 women will experience severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Physical violence is only one form of domestic violence. It also encompasses emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse. The effects of this violence are far-reaching, leaving survivors grappling with trauma, self-doubt, and fear.
For women in the helping professions, domestic violence can have an even more pronounced impact. These women are often expected to be strong, nurturing figures in their professional roles, leaving little room for them to address their vulnerabilities at home. The stigma surrounding domestic violence, coupled with societal expectations of selflessness and “they should know better because they are therapists”, can make it difficult for women in these professions to seek help.
The Role of Patriarchy in Domestic Violence
Patriarchy refers to a societal system where men hold primary power and dominate roles in leadership, moral authority, and control over women. This system perpetuates gender inequality, reinforcing harmful stereotypes about women's roles in society. In patriarchal societies, women are often expected to be submissive, nurturing, and self-sacrificing, while men are seen as dominant, authoritative, and entitled to control. Domestic violence is a direct manifestation of patriarchal values and systemic violence against women. It thrives in environments where power and control dynamics are skewed. Abusive partners, often influenced by societal norms of male dominance, use violence and manipulation to assert control over their female partners. This control may take many forms, including physical abuse, emotional manipulation, financial restriction, and isolation from social networks.
In the context of helping professions, women often internalize these patriarchal expectations. They may feel pressured to "keep it all together" or prioritize others' needs over their own, even when experiencing abuse. The selflessness that is celebrated in their professional roles can be weaponized in their personal lives, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and the belief that they must endure abuse for the sake of their relationships or families.
The Intersection of Domestic Violence and Helping Professions
Women in helping professions are uniquely vulnerable to the intersection of domestic violence and patriarchal expectations. The following are some ways in which this dynamic plays out:
1. Emotional and Physical Exhaustion
Women in the helping professions are often emotionally exhausted from the demands of their work. When they experience domestic violence at home, they face a double burden of emotional labor—caring for their clients or patients during the day and navigating the trauma of abuse in their personal lives. This can lead to severe burnout, as these women cannot escape the demands placed on them in their professional and personal lives. For example, a trauma therapist may spend all day holding space, advocating, and safety planning for their clients while navigating being a productive employee. Then, the trauma therapist will go home and be hypervigilant while walking on eggshells around her abusive husband. The constant toll of being in an aroused state leads to extreme fatigue and exhaustion, ultimately making it more difficult for the therapist to leave the relationship physically and emotionally.
Domestic violence can manifest in physical harm, which may further exacerbate the physical demands of helping professions. Women who are physically injured by their partners may struggle to perform their jobs, leading to lost wages, job insecurity, and increased stress. Women who experience physical injuries may also isolate more from their friends, family, and coworkers to hide their injuries like when a nurse wears long scrubs in the summer and doesn’t join in the group lunch plans anymore. Overall, it makes it more difficult for the survivor of domestic violence to connect to help when she is isolated away from outside influences.
An abuser may also use coercion or threats of physical violence, which only exacerbates the emotional and physical exhaustion experienced by women in the helping professions. For example, an abuser may threaten to commit suicide, report her to CPS or a licensing board, or threaten to hurt a loved one (like a child). These threats are part of a broader pattern used to gain power and control over another person and keep survivors in an abusive relationship. These double demands of emotional labor at work and home highlight the intersection of domestic violence and bullshit patriarchal expectations.
2. Self-Sacrifice and People-Pleasing
The traits that make women successful in helping professions—empathy, tolerance, and selflessness—are often the same traits that make them vulnerable to domestic violence and make it even more difficult to leave the situation. Abusers frequently exploit these characteristics, knowing that women in these roles are conditioned to put others' needs first. Abusers may also use their male privilege to define the roles in the relationship and expect the woman to act like a ‘servant’ in the home,. This further reinforces the idea that the woman’s role is to serve others at the expense of her health and wellness. For example, a teacher may spend all day catering to her student’s needs, go home, and then be expected to “not upset him” by ensuring his favorite TV show is on while he eats his favorite hot meal.
Many women in helping professions tend also to be chronic people-pleasers. They may find it difficult to set boundaries, both at work and at home, which can leave them vulnerable to manipulation and control by abusive partners. Emotional abuse like making her think she is crazy, playing mind games, using humiliation or guilt, and gaslighting make it seem like she is responsible for his thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. In survivors’ personal lives, they may feel obligated to "fix" their partner or take responsibility for the abusive behavior, believing that if they were "better" or "stronger," the abuse would stop. Many women in abusive situations, initially became caregivers and helping professionals because they grew up in an environment where abuse was common and may not know what healthy relationships look like. As a result, abuse may become normalized as love.
3. Financial Dependency and Economic Abuse
Economic abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to exert control over their partners. Women in helping professions, particularly those who work in lower-paying fields such as social work or caregiving, may already face financial precarity due to wage disparities in these traditionally female-dominated professions. And, we already know that counseling and social work are the lowest-paying jobs you can have with a master’s degree since society tends to devalue women’s labor. And, if women own their private practice, then they may rely on their partner for health insurance or more predictable sources of income than pay-per-service work.
Therefore, it is unsurprising that when coupled with financial abuse—where an abuser controls access to monetary resources through an allowance or taking her money, limits employment opportunities, or sabotages their partner's career—this financial dependency can trap women in abusive relationships. As mentioned earlier, physical abuse may make it more likely for a woman to lose her job and can affect lost wages. Economic abuse can also look like an abuser threatening to report her to her licensing board, which threatens her livelihood and may tarnish her professional reputation. Women may fear losing their jobs or financial stability if they try to leave the abusive situation, especially if the abuser threatens to interfere with their work or prevents them from finding another job. For survivors of domestic violence, money represents freedom and choices. Financial abuse is a remarkably effective tool in separating a survivor from their power and autonomy by eliminating resources and choices while also isolating them financially.
4. Stigma and Silence
Despite their professional expertise in mental health and caregiving, women in helping professions often face unique challenges when seeking help for domestic violence. They may fear the stigma associated with being a victim of abuse, worrying that it will undermine their professional credibility or lead others to question their ability to help others. It is incredibly difficult to admit that you have been abused, and a survivor may feel ashamed or like they are responsible for the abuse (like their abuser always told them). Since there is often a sense of isolation among women in helping professions, they may feel that they should be able to handle their struggles on their own, given their knowledge and experience. This can lead to silence and a reluctance to seek help, perpetuating the cycle of abuse. However, this does not acknowledge the other barriers that make it more difficult for women in helping professions to seek help like lack of resources, experiencing intimidation, disability status, language barriers, immigration status, children and pets, and cultural contexts.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Support Women in Helping Professions
To address the intersection of domestic violence, patriarchy, and women in helping professions, it is crucial to foster a culture of support and empowerment. Here are some steps we can take:
1. Raise Awareness:
Encourage open, non-judgemental discussions about domestic violence and the unique challenges faced by women in helping professions to destigmatize seeking help and create a supportive community for those affected. Understanding and recognizing the signs of abuse, including a nuanced understanding of what abuse is and examples of healthy relationships, is the first step to ending the harm and stigma. Naming is the first step to breaking the cycle!
2. Provide Access to Resources & Supportive Work Environments:
Ensure that women in helping professions have access to domestic violence resources, including shelters that accept children and pets, legal assistance, counseling services/EAP, and other therapeutic services (like occupational therapy, physical therapy, etc.). Employers should also provide support in the form of paid leave and job protection for those experiencing abuse at the bare minimum. Similarly, this may include flexible work schedules, child care options, appropriate compensation, and opportunities for professional growth and development development.
3. Promote Gender Equality:
Challenge the patriarchal norms that perpetuate domestic violence and gender inequality by breaking stereotypes, challenging sexist jokes, and not supporting violence against women in the media. Advocate for policies that promote gender equality in the workplace, including pay equity and protections against workplace harassment. A good first step/ bare minimum is to value women’s labor and pay them appropriately.
TLDR: Conclusion
In conclusion, the intersection of domestic violence, patriarchy, and the experiences of women in helping professions reveals a troubling yet critical reality. Women in these fields, often celebrated for their empathy and emotional strength, face unique vulnerabilities due to societal pressures that glorify self-sacrifice and silence around abuse. The impact of domestic violence extends beyond personal suffering; it affects their professional lives, mental health, and overall well-being. By challenging patriarchal norms, fostering supportive environments, and promoting access to resources, we can begin to break this cycle and empower women to reclaim their autonomy, safety, and sense of self. It’s time to prioritize the well-being of those who spend their lives caring for others.
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