Wrapped in Expectations: Navigating Perfectionism, People Pleasing, and Overachieving at the Holidays

🎁 Are you feeling wrapped up in the stress of holiday perfection? Balancing people-pleasing, overachieving, and your own needs can feel overwhelming this time of year. This blog dives into how to set boundaries, let go of impossible expectations, and truly enjoy the season.

The holiday season is a time for joy, connection, and celebration, but for those of us who identify as perfectionists, people pleasers, or overachievers, it can also be a whirlwind of stress, self-doubt, and overwhelm. The pressure to get everything just right—whether it’s picking out the perfect gifts, creating a flawless holiday experience, or monitoring the emotional temperature of the room—can quickly turn what should be a joyous time into a draining and anxiety-inducing one.

If you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions, please know you’re not alone. Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and overachieving tendencies often show up most intensely during the holidays, especially around gift-giving. The desire to be seen as “the perfect gift-giver” or “the perfect host” can lead us to push ourselves to our limits. But what if, instead of giving from an empty cup, we could give in a way that is both meaningful, honoring of our own needs, and from a place of abundance?

Let’s dive into why these tendencies show up in the holiday season and how we can navigate them with more intention, self-compassion, and healthier boundaries.

Perfectionism and the Pressure to Get it “Just Right”

Perfectionists are no strangers to high expectations, and when it comes to the holidays, those expectations can feel particularly overwhelming. You might find yourself obsessing over finding the perfect gift for everyone on your list, down to the tiniest details. If the gift isn’t exactly what you imagine or you don’t receive the picture-perfect reaction, it’s easy to feel like a failure.

In addition to worrying about gift-giving, there’s the pressure to create the perfect holiday atmosphere: the flawless decorations, the perfectly timed meals, the flawless social interactions. The desire to control every aspect of the holiday experience often leaves little room for enjoyment and relaxation. When I hosted Thanksgiving for the first time in 2021, I had a mini-panic attack because I bought too few placemats, and Hobby Lobby was sold out of the set. I sat down in the aisle and cried because I couldn’t figure out if the best solution was a whole new set or get the next closest thing. In reality, no one remembers those placemats except for me.

The truth is, perfectionism doesn’t leave much room for flexibility or imperfection—and let’s be honest, holidays rarely go exactly as planned. Ever seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, we all know that is way more likely than a gathering that goes exactly to plan. Embracing imperfection is THE key to reducing the stress that perfectionism can bring during this time. The holidays are about connection, love, and presence, not about achieving perfection. When you let go of the unrealistic need for everything to be flawless, you’ll find that your experience is much more fulfilling and peaceful.

People Pleasing: The Fear of Letting Others Down

People-pleasers, too, can find the holidays particularly tricky. The pressure to make everyone happy can lead to saying “yes” to events, gift exchanges, and commitments we don’t truly have the time, energy, or desire for. But the thought of disappointing someone, or worse, being seen as selfish, keeps us from setting the necessary boundaries that would preserve our peace.

If you’re someone who has a hard time saying “no,” the holiday season can quickly become overwhelming. You might feel obligated to attend every family gathering and possible holiday party hosted by every organization, buy gifts for every coworker, or volunteer for every community event—even if it leaves you emotionally drained or physically exhausted. Just writing all of those things leaves me feeling exhausted. The fear of letting others down or being seen as a “bad person” can lead to overcommitting, which in turn leads to resentment, burnout, and feelings of inadequacy. No one will love you any less if you don’t attend that office winter party or book club exchange.

People-pleasing tendencies thrive on the belief that our worth is tied to our ability to meet the needs of others, but this is simply not true. You are worthy of care, rest, and boundaries—especially during the holidays. If the idea of saying “no” feels impossible, start small. Practice saying “no” to the things that aren’t aligned with your values or that will overextend your resources. Remember, saying “no” to one thing is actually saying “yes” to something more important: your well-being.

Overachieving: The Need to Do It All (And Do It Perfectly)

For overachievers, the holidays can feel like one big challenge to overcome. There’s often a sense that if we don’t “do it all,” we’re somehow failing. You might feel compelled to host the perfect holiday dinner, create handmade gifts, attend every event, and maintain a meticulously curated holiday experience—while also juggling work, family obligations, and personal commitments. Have you seen the Martha Stewart documentary? The tablescapes, the elaborate crafts, and the extravagant meals take a whole team of Marthas to make it happen. As only one person, it can feel like there’s never enough time or energy to do it all, and the pressure to “achieve” at every turn can leave us feeling burnt out before the season even ends.

The reality is doing it all doesn’t lead to greater happiness or fulfillment. It just leads to exhaustion. Overachieving can rob you of the joy and relaxation that the holidays are supposed to bring. Rather than focusing on how much you can do or how many tasks you can check off, try to focus on the moments that truly matter. What part of the holiday season brings you joy? Is it the time spent with family? The quiet moments of reflection? The laughter shared over a cozy meal? How do you want to feel during these events? Reconnect with those things and let go of the urge to fill every moment with productivity.

Setting Boundaries: The Key to a Fulfilling Holiday

Now that we’ve explored the ways perfectionism, people-pleasing, and overachieving show up during the holidays, it’s time to talk about the solution: boundaries. The key to navigating the holiday season without sacrificing your mental health is learning how to set boundaries that honor your needs and well-being.

1. Set Gift-Giving Boundaries:

Instead of stressing over buying the perfect gift for everyone, consider setting a budget or opting for more meaningful, personalized gifts that don’t break the bank. Get creative! In my family, we draw names out of a hat so that each person only has to buy presents for their designated person. Set a budget for the gift exchange and stick to it. Other times, the best gift you can give is your time or a heartfelt note. Focus on quality over quantity, and remember that your value isn’t tied to the material gifts you give.

2. Learn to Say “No”:

Permit yourself to say no to things that don’t align with your priorities or that will leave you feeling drained. It’s okay to skip a party or politely decline an invitation if you need rest. Remember, you are not obligated to meet everyone’s expectations, and it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.

3. Delegate and Simplify:

You don’t have to do everything yourself. Delegate tasks where you can, whether it’s asking a family member to help with the holiday meal prep or hiring a one-time cleaning service. Worried about finances? Ask your friends to help you clean your house in exchange for helping them wrap presents. Simplify your plans and focus on what truly matters to you.

4. Embrace Imperfection:

Holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. Let go of the unrealistic expectations you have for yourself and others. The best moments often come from the unscripted, unpolished moments of connection.

Final Thoughts

The holidays don’t have to be a season of stress, perfectionism, or overachievement. By learning to set boundaries, embrace imperfection, and let go of the people-pleasing tendencies that leave you feeling exhausted and burned out, you can create a holiday season that feels peaceful, fulfilling, and authentic.

Remember, the greatest gift you can give yourself and others this holiday season is the gift of presence—showing up authentically and taking care of your needs. If you’re ready to create more balance and joy in your life, I’m here to help. Schedule a consultation through the link in my bio, and let’s work together to make the holidays—and beyond—a time of true healing and connection.