WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES? PART TWO

Boundaries on a spectrum, and are not inherently good or bad. Each have various pros and cons depending on the situation. Generally, rigid boundaries are on the opposite end of the spectrum from loose boundaries.

Rigid Boundaries:

• Difficulty with intimacy and close relationships

• Can be described as distant, detached, or closed off

• Unlikely to ask for help

• Prefers to suffer silently

• Can see self as hyper-independent

• Few relationships or friendships

• Protective and secretive over personal information

• Keeps others at an emotional and/or physical distance

• Says NO when you really mean YES

• Fearful of being hurt/vulnerable and rejected in relationships

• Can be helpful in keeping yourself safe from abuse and disrespect

• Can lead to isolation and loneliness

• Less concerned with others’ experiences, emotions, and behavior

If I were to imagine a picture of a rigid boundary, I would imagine a tower with ten-foot thick concrete walls, no windows, surrounded by a moat filled with alligators. The person inside is very safe from potential attacks but is very isolated and disconnected from the world. Furthermore, this is a person who desperately wants a hug or physical touch from others but struggles to ask and/or receive a hug from an appropriate person. Folks with rigid boundaries are focused on keeping themselves emotionally and physically safe, but it does come with a steep cost. Again, in cases of abuse, rigid boundaries may absolutely be necessary to keep yourself out of danger from an abuser.

In the middle of the boundary spectrum are healthy boundaries. Moving away from the extremes and closer to the middle is the goal of boundary work.

The image of a castle and moat representing the image of a rigid boundary. Having difficulty setting healthy boundaries? Get on my calendar HERE.

Healthy Boundaries:

• Ability to maintain relationships that balance both parties needs/wants/values

• Values own thoughts, feelings, and needs as well as others’

• Shares personal information appropriately within situations and with people

• Can communicate needs with others respectfully

• Says YES when mean YES, and NO when mean NO

• Can ask for and accept help from others when needed

• Allows others to experience their own emotions

• Allows others to experience natural consequences of their actions without intervening

• Enforces rules fairly while also recognizing the need for some exceptions as necessary

• Clear, direct, kind communication

What kinds of boundaries do you have with your partner? Best friend? Boss? Comment below with your answers.