"How can I help?" Tips for family members to be more helpful in mental health situations
As friends and family, we want to solve our loved one’s problems. Unfortunately, most mental health problems can’t be solved overnight, and offering solutions isn’t helpful. Instead, read the article below on how to offer empathy and support.
As a therapist, one of the most popular questions when I meet with family and loved ones is: What can I do to help? When family members ask this question, I can hear the care and concern in their voices. In response, I wanted to gather the best practical tips for loved ones to best support an individual with a mental health condition.
Practice Active Listening
When we turn towards friends and family during difficult times, we are looking for someone to listen to our stories and offer support. The best way to show that we are listening without distractions and to understand the other’s perspective is through a technique called active listening. Active listening is a skill that communicates to other people we are hearing what they are saying and listening for understanding.
Active listening includes:
Reflections
Restate what the person just said in your own words and take a guess at what the other person might be feeling. You don’t have to be correct, and if you aren’t, the other person has an opportunity to correct you. The point is to convey that you are listening with the explicit purpose of understanding their perspective.
Nods and encouragers
Nonverbal communication accounts for 70% of all our communication. As the person is talking, nods and statements like “mm-hmm” convey interest in what the other person is saying and encourages the other person to elaborate.
Summarizing
If reflections are flowers, then summarizing is an entire bouquet. Try to pick out the most important details of the story, and check for understanding especially if the person has been talking for a while.
Providing feedback
Before providing feedback or advice on a situation, ask for permission. For example: “Is it okay if I tell you what I see happens when you stop taking your medication?” If the person says no, that’s a good time to take a pause in the conversation. If the person agrees, provide your feedback. Next, ask what the other person thinks. “I notice when you stop taking your medication, you become more tearful and have a harder time getting out of bed. What do you think?”
Focusing on Support Over Advice
When most people hear that their loved one is hurting or in pain, their initial reaction is “How can I fix it for you?” and proceed to try to fix the problem or give advice. However, when people experience emotional pain and hurt, there are few tangible solutions that family and friends can provide to truly make it better. When individuals with a mental health condition call their loved ones, they rarely are looking for advice or a solution, they are calling for someone to listen to them. Additionally, if we have ever received unsolicited advice, we know that even if it is good advice, we seldom follow it anyway.
In reminding family and caregivers that it is not their job to solve their loved ones’ problems, there is less pressure to create a solution. Instead, family and friends can focus on practicing their active listening skills and providing empathy.
Signs of When to Intervene
As family and caregivers, you are in a unique position to notice if your loved one isn’t doing well emotionally. At times, you may feel it is necessary to intervene. If you notice any of the following occurring, it may be time to encourage your loved one to schedule an appointment with a therapist:
Sleeping 10+ hours or sleeping too little
Loss of interest in usual activities
Dramatic change in appetite
Difficulty concentrating
Fatigue
Feelings of hopelessness/worthlessness/helplessness and guilt
*Thoughts of wanting to harm self or harm others
*If experiencing suicidal or homicidal ideation, please call 911 or go to your nearest ER.
What to Do in a Crisis
Stay calm and listen to what the person has to say
Offer support and concern
Ask how you can help
Don’t leave the person alone
Involve the professionals - this can involve calling the individual’s psychiatrist, therapist, calling the National Suicide Hotline at 988 together, calling 911 or going to the nearest ER
You may want to check out this guide from the National Alliance on Mental Illness for more information on mental health crises.
Self Care for Caregivers
As caregivers, the saying that you can’t pour from an empty cup is true. It is just as important that you proactively take care of yourself to manage stress! In fact, caregivers who practice self-care are better equipped to handle the daily stressors and pressures that come with supporting an individual with a mental health condition. Make sure that you are taking care of your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and professional health. Try drinking water, sleeping well, engaging in regular movement, doing activities that bring you joy, and spending time with your own friends and family. Support groups are available throughout the DFW area as well to connect you with other families in similar situations. Other helpful activities can include daily meditation, relaxation exercises, and practicing gratitude.